Saturday, April 20, 2013

Man Cave of the Exalted One

Rule No. 1 in my Man Cave:
You may not step on my head so bring a good flashlight. I move my head about frequently so don't count on drawing a map or poking around with a walking stick, someone's already tried that an bonked me a good one.. Braining me with a stick and then asking if I am missing a coconut does not engender friendship, comrade. Best you not trespass in my man cave, you may get lost. If you do get lost, I suggest you burrow straight up until you dig your way out. Not straight up, better angle it a bit since my man cave is nine and a half feet deep. 

I wore this Bitey the Cat hardhat while digging my man cave, it kept me from bashing in my brains on tree roots and boulders.

Naturally, I had safety in mind when constructing the man cave. The geology of this region allows me to burrow quite nicely without fear of cave in or flooding as long as I use commonsense. Some asshat (first time I ever used this word) dug a huge tunnel in the sand on the beach and had his tiny tot crawl through it while he video taped. Unbelievable! How the Hell would he get her out of there if it collapsed?  Don't ever do that with your kid! Ever!

Beside my fear of you stepping on my head in the narrow confines of my man cave (I sleep at the entrance where the air is better) if you barge in and surprise me, I have a tendency to scream.  Put yourself in my place.. you're napping, which is the ideal activity in a cave of any sort lacking blind scorpions and bats, and a dark, hunched over figure lurches in with hands out, groping about. Scare the crap out of anyone.  

Just kidding about getting lost in my Man Cave. It only goes back about fourteen feet, ending in a vertical ventilation pipe I laboriously installed, a ten inch diameter pipe. Ventilation is pretty good, I'd say, at least for a couple of people and maybe a dog. That is about the total extent of the technology that went into my cave.  Hopefully, your dog does not have gas.

I don't mind the rustic life. When I was in Alaska, I lived in a tiny trapper's cabin that someone prefabricated and lugged up a steep mountain trail. It had the tiny entrance hatch or door common with trapper's cabins. If an unauthorized person or bear tried to get in, you could just bonk it on the head.  I also lived for a while on a small fishing boat in Alaska. It was a tad confining but I slept  quite well, rocked by the waves. The name of the boat was the Tillie and we fished in Glacier Bay and near Juneau. What I miss most about Juneau are the huge great northern ravens walking around downtown. Those suckers are big! I saw an albino one in Jackson Hole, Wyoming way back in the late sixties. If I was a dude living in a dark cave with a raven, an albino one would have a certain practicality. 

More appropriate then a raven, I suppose, would be a pet vole. We had a pet vole for some months, rescued from a cat when the vole got out of it's element (from the ground to a paved parking lot). Except for the biting, they make a pretty good pet. We called her Condolezza on account of her big front teeth.  She was a better vole than Condolezza was a Washington D.C. hack. Wonder what a vole would think of my Man Cave. A vole is much like a mole.. I don't know if they reach up and grab your carrots and pull them down into their little tunnels. 

I did have help digging my little cave. I went out and found a sturdy homeless guy and paid him $15 an hour. I don't believe in underpaying. I also fed him lunch.  Nice guy, really, soft spoken and a hard worker. Some people are so afraid of the homeless which is crazy. They tend to be much nicer, as a population, then the non-homeless. This guy did have a prominent brow ridge, looking not unlike your everyday cave man.  It just worked out that way, yes it did.  Life can be so ironic. 

Caution: Mind Control. May be triggering!!
(cats tore up my blinds)

Rule No. 2: No peeing or pooing in the back of my man cave

 (I'm much more interested in hideouts than man caves. Bunkers.. undetectable,  easy for me to get to, hard for others. No tiger pits or just maybe there are, muhahahaha. I lived in a little trapper's shack in Alaska, nice. For my friend, I found a comfy old former dynamite (NSA) shack.

Was going to say that if someone did find your man cave or hideout, you could chase them away with a set of glowing red eyes, that would work for me but there is always the idiot who thinks they can somehow cash in, get a bigger idiot to go down there..

Once woke my wife up, when we lived in Santa Barbara, told her there was a guy with glowing red eyes on the patio. We had just had our ears nearly bent off by her crazy Holy Roller friend who live next to the tracks. They would summon up something which would make the building shake (it was the damn train) and they would almost convincingly bug out their eyes. So, my wife was ready for anything!

Before I met her, she didn't know that the neighbor dudes could look over the fence and see her parading naked right thought her curtains (kind of the opposite of the girl cave which is supposed to be private). Asked why she never checked, it is just some everyday physics of light and the boys were taking advantage..

Speaking of: My very offensive Santa Barbara neighbor, Rick, was in our living room and wife walked out of the shower again stark naked (stark except that she was furrier back then). I got even though, I was on my back patio with the shared gate open and HIS wife came out nude to hang clothes on the line. Hah! If there is a better treat than seeing unauthorized nudity without being a peeping Tom, I'd like to know what that is.. If a woman leans over exposing her boobs accidentally, I always look away however difficult that is, it is the right thing to do unless she is doing it on purpose (which is rare).

When I was very small, I was given a top bunk on the bunk bed. I spend my nights gnawing on the top of the door and gnawed a significant chunk out of that bedroom door. Because of this, they moved me to the bottom bunk. I'd lie in that bottom bunk and stare up at the wires. I got the brilliant idea to get my dad's wire cutters and, with all my tiny might, cut a lot of those wires so that my brother's top bunk started resembling a hammock. I guess I was bad!

My new Critter Collection. #sculpture

Artist/Writer, Farrell Hamann
"Unique collection" The J. Paul Getty Museum
Collection is available and would make a great tourist attraction
Phone: 916-641-7696

Heh, 30 collectible Elvis Presley postage stamps nicely framed with a newspaper article!

My adorably light novel


My Friend's weight loss related site: LINK
Friend's health/wellness related: LINK

Do NOT abuse Rogaine, don't be like me!!  

Toxic Killer Robot Bugs from Outer Space. A Farrell Hamann Fine Art, Out by Noon Video Production. 

Church of the Blue Moon/Moonbeams on your Naked Booty 

It is not going to be enough to label GMO foods, we must ban them! 

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth" Cave in is in there somewhere. This is only part of the quote..

 Above: Skulls blingbling necklaces, my latest project. Working on on a conehead version. I'll sell these for about $20/$25. Real hemp cording.

  OK, mind controlled dupes of Yahoo, try this for a scenario: You are a  boarder line psycho. Email scans reveal to black ops an opportunity to incite U to kill neighbor (Satan!) Weird CD's FREE! @maddow Or, you're an alcoholic and they see the chance to push some Thunderbird!. Again: you're a patsy for prescription drugs and a bit of a hypochondriac and they easily discover the opportunity to sell you something Really, really expensive. 

Bored? Trying to stay awake? OK, try this: pretend that my hand is crawling up your bare leg and my intentions are not good!

Magnus the pug woke me early, licking my lips and eye sockets with some vigor. Mia pug sneezes in my face but, luckily does not have the range of my wife who sneezes like a blue whale with dual blowholes. I attract wetness..

Wanted to be a sponge diver for a while when I was little (could hold breath for very long time) was discouraged by something long forgotten, rapture of the deep, or madness of the abyss, not sure. Effect enhanced by cold, murky water and depth. I don't suffer the fear of dark water in general but once did pour some grape juice a a certain kid's bath water and out she jumped. Didn't do it to cause fright, just to turn her blue!

 Above: Eel/Charles #Koch

Harvard Princeton Yale (HPY) 

 Above: 1952 Ural Motorcycle (Russian)

  "On the vanity of Earthly greatness"

"The tusks which clashed in mighty brawls
Of mastodons, are billiard balls.
The sword of Charlemagne the Just
Is Ferric Oxide, known as rust.
The grizzly bear, whose potent hug,
Was feared by all, is now a rug.
Great Caesar's bust is on the shelf,
And I don't feel so well myself." Arthur Guiterman

Above: A noodle hanging out in his man cave. 


No fans? Just make your own like I did!!

 Wife's mom, exploited by ripoff repair people now cooking only with her BBQ, $60,000,000 home within range of a mortar round. Sad but funny

Above: Huge rock just misses car 

 The clueless One with his phone book


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